Mama stories

There is something so unique about each of my kids. I just rarely take the time to write it all out or to even stop to notice many days. Sadly, my life is so often filled with the mundane details of just keeping everyone alive and well that I don't always stop to just enjoy the boys. I'm trying to do better at this. Spending a little bit of alone time with each one. Noticing and commenting on thier differences and strengths and little idiocyncrocies.

Eliot is growing so fast. He's such a tender-hearted kid. Matt thinks his personality is so similar to mine and I have to agree...poor kid. He's actually a combination of shy and social. Shy with people he doesn't know very well, but loves to be around his friends and family all the time....doesn't really like to be alone ever! :)
Some Eliot examples: He had his first real experience with other kids picking on him. Oh my was he crushed. He ran over to me and just buried his head in my chest and cried and cried. So heartbreaking. And, yet...a part of life that no one can escape. It was so hard for me to watch him feel so hurt. But, we talked about how that made him feel. How powerful words are. How we can make others feel when we talk to them. And, about how we love people even when they hurt our feelings.
Another example: My grandparents are visiting from the East Coast this week. Grandpa has failed considerably since the last time we saw them. His memory is poor. His hearing is even worse. He doesn't seem to quite understand exactly what's going on or who we all are all the time. It's very sad. We haven't mentioned it to the kids, but Eliot is very perceptive. We went to the Farmers Market on Saturday and since Grandpa Nat can't walk well even with his cane, he sat and listened to great music while the rest of us shopped, ate, etc. There was always someone with him, though. Well, my dad and I were there with my boys and I realized that they hadn't really eaten breakfast yet. So, we told Grandpa we were going to be right back. Dad was going to help me with the kids while we walked around to find food. But, Eliot was sitting with my grandpa and held his hand. Grandpa said "you want to go or stay here with me?" Eliot said, "stay here with you." So, the two of them sat there for probably 20 minutes or more holding hands. I knew Eliot was shy and probably wouldn't talk much to him but he was there. He wouldn't leave him alone. Makes me choked up just thinking about it.

Emerson has really grown into his personality so much. He's very reserved. Differently than Eliot is. Eliot's shy but social. Emerson's really much more independant. Not shy at all...just doesn't feel the need to talk much. He's soft-spoken like his Daddy. Man of few words. It's so hard for him to talk about his feelings when he's upset. But, he's really trying, and we're trying to help him by being patient but not just letting him close into himself. Especially when he's hurt or upset. Emerson is by far the most easy going child I have. He's content to sit on the couch with a book and his blankies and stuffed animals for hours. He also loves to build. Everywhere you walk in our house is another creation that Emerson's made. Legos, blocks, kidkinex...you name it. And they all get a name and a story. He is so creative. I love how he comes in our bed in the morning and tells us all about these dreams he's had. They are very elaborate and detailed, and I'm pretty sure all made up! :) But, he loves to tell stories. Maybe he'll be a writer like his Daddy someday. Some recent examples of his personality: The other day we were all sitting down to dinner. Usually there is some discussion (and sometimes arguing) about who gets to sit where. Usually they all want to sit by Daddy (which is very sweet) but this particular day, Emerson kept moving around. When I told him to pick a seat and eat his dinner he said, "but I'm trying to find a seat so I can sit alone!" So, I of course, helped him find a seat where no one would be sitting on either side of him. He apparently needed his space! :)
Let's see...oh, I got all of Dr. Seuss's books on CD from the library and we've been listening to them in the car for weeks now. They all have their favorites that we play more than others. Well, I knew they loved it but I didn't realize Emerson's pretty much got them all memorized. And, he loves to act them out. Especially Green Eggs and Ham. With Abraham. It is so cute. I'll randomly here Emerson saying, "No Hammie, you're Sam. Now say this..." It is adorable and the two of them will seriously sit there and role play the entire book...with Emerson cuing Hammie when necessary!

Now little Abraham. Little Abraham with BIG personality. Wow. This kid has me baffled. He isn't really like either one of us at all. He's extremely cuddly and there's really no question his love language is physical touch. He could sit on my lap sucking his thumb all day. But he's as much spicy as he is sweet. Oh my, that boy can throw a temper tantrum. Now, until this little guy came along, I have to admit that I thought my older two well-mannered and well-behaved children were mostly a product of our parenting. Wow...I don't think so. I think they just are who they are. Abraham couldn't care less who is around, he will tell them what he thinks, what he wants, and how he feels. Emphatically. He is passionate. PASSIONATE . He's passionate about cooking! Ok, so maybe he's a LITTLE bit like me! :) But, really, I'm not kidding. He could do a show. The other day at my mom's house he cut up food (like the pieces of tomatoes and veggies that we were going to throw away) forever. Then he watched INTENTLY for about a half hour while my cousin made bread. Then he had to make it. He knew exactly what he needed. Water and flour! :) And, since he was at grandma's, he got to use up the rest of her flour and who knows how much water. Mixing, stirring, pouring, adding for seriously over an hour. Maybe two. I think that day he spent a total of 3-4 hours standing on a chair at the island cooking. He doesn't want to play or be with the kids. He wants to cook. And, if you're quiet you'll hear him say things like, "it needs a little bit more salt" or "ok, now you stir it like this" or "where's my spoon? i need to stir this!" I'm not making this up. He's 2. Watch out Emeirl and Bobby Flay!
We took the kids to a Japanese Steakhouse for Matt's parent's 40th anniversary. There's a chef that cooks the food and throws a big show right at your table...which of course the kids loved. But even though everyone eats the whole time, Abraham didn't even take one bite. Not until the chef left the table. He actually just imitated the chef the whole time. He poured and scooped and squashed the whole night. I think he's found his calling in life. :)

I feel just overjoyed to be the mommy of these little boys. They challenge me. They soften me. They humble me. I love them more than I could ever even describe. I pray they know it. And, they are going to be big brothers in a few months to a little baby sister!!! We're so thrilled to know what it's like to have a little girl! And I know she's going to be the luckiest little sister having all those big brothers to love and take care of her! I am one blessed mama!

Anyone out there????

Well, it's been a few months since my last post. Life's been crazy, but more importantly I just haven't felt like posting! :) I guess I just do today. The biggest news I have from the last 2 months is that we are expecting baby #4! I am now 13 weeks and have heard some nice strong heartbeats. So, even though we've had a miscarriage in the past we feel that the fear of that is lessened now.

Let me give you a glimpse into what my life has been like the last 2 months:
Dizziness to the point I can't get up from a lying down position without passing out
Nausea so intense I've been vommiting 3-5 times a day
Dehydration so bad (because of the vomitting and lack of eating....due to the nausea) that I've almost ended up at the hospital twice.
Kids bored and very very neglected
Husband responsible for all cleaning, cooking, besides his full-time job. That is, until he broke his finger playing basketball. We invested in large quantitites of paper plates and cups.

Needless to say it's been a very very difficult few weeks. I pray it will start to get better now that I'm heading into the second trimester. However, I have to say that my friends and family have just stepped up to the plate and taken such good care of us! We've had meals, babysitters, and lots and lots of moral support...this has meant more to us than you can possibly know!

Thanks for the love everyone! Maybe I'll post again sometime this year! :)

FYI

I've noticed I'm getting some new readers and I just want to explain the layout of my blog a bit. I have this main one called Nourish::mind where I share whatever is on my mind...clever, I know! :) Then if you look to the right you'll see a button for where I post on all things health: Nourish::Body. And, lastly Nourish::Soul where I post about what's going on with our heart for the orphans and extreme poverty.
Blogging is by no means my main priority, not even in my top 10, really! :) So I don't get to it every day and sometimes it's even weeks. But, I do love to have an outlet for my thoughts when I have time to write them down. I love discussing my passions, questions, doubts, etc. with others so this is a great venue for that. But, all in all, I have 3 very young children. I am a wife. I homeschool. I have friends. I garden. I read. And so, time is largely unavailable to me. But, thanks for reading my thoughts. I am sure even if we don't know each other, I would like you...as I rarely have met anyone I don't like (believe me that's a really hard thing to accomplish)! :)

Life

Things have been pretty good around here. I've been working on a presentation I gave this weekend at the Natural Living Expo. I'm not the best public speaker so I was a bit nervous, but I think it went ok. How hard can it be to talk about what we eat, how we live, etc.? Seriously, any of my friends will tell you, if you put in a nickel...plan to stay awhile! :) It wasn't too bad!

I've wanted to share some experiences I've had over the last few weeks to bring you up to date on my spiritual journey. I haven't written much about it lately because of re-figuring my priorities, my boundaries, and because I've been so busy. But, I'm proceeding with caution because I've received some positive comments and e-mails, some from people I know and love and some from strangers that have all been encouraged reading what I've written. I'm ok with people disagreeing with me. I'm not ok with mudslinging and judging. Here goes.

A few weeks ago I got REALLY sick. It doesn't happen often that I have to literally crawl on the floor to get something across the room...but that's really how bad it was at one point. (Fortunately, it only lasted about 5 days total with only 2 being that bad.) I am a true believer in the holistic mentality of health. If we are consumed with negative emotions, anger, bitterness, even grief and sorrow, etc...I absolutely think it can cause illness. Don't get me wrong. I do not think that God makes us sick to punish us for our sin (nor do I think negative emotions are in and of themselves sinful). I do think, however, that our bodies and our minds and our souls are so connected it's impossible for one aspect of ourselves to be consumed without affecting another.

I'd been carrying around some pretty heavy emotions for a couple years really. I've gone through serious doubts about who God is, struggled to hear His voice or believe that He has been listening to me. Stewing on what happened over the blog situation. Stewing about our very stressful real estate situation, plus all the regular every day life stuff. Over time my outlook on life and spirituality has become pretty negative or at least gloomy, foggy, and unclear. And I've grown weary. It's been a burden. But something happened while I was sick. For one, I was too sick to read or watch movies AND, two, I was too sick to sleep comfortably. So, I dozed on and off for a couple days, never truly getting more than a couple hours at a time. I thought a lot. And, perhaps this is crazy, but I kinda think my sickness was a detox in a lot of ways for me. Not just physically but emotionally and spiritually as well.

Before I got sick I had been reading a couple of great books. The Shack by Wm. Paul Young and Seeing is Believing by Greg Boyd. While totally different books, their message was similar to me. We are free.

Somehow during my days in a feverish daze, it just sank in. Because I've put my faith in God, I am now free. The Holy Spirit who resides in me because I asked him to, has already changed me. My chains to darkness have already been broken. The fruits of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, you know the rest) are who I REALLY am. The reason I feel miserable being angry, critical, and judgmental is because that's not really who I am.

This was HUGE for me and it was in Boyd's book: The fruits of the Spirit are not disciplines to work on. They are a part of the nature of the Spirit, and therefore, us! I don't need to TRY to be more loving. Acting loving doesn't make me a loving person. All I need to do is rest in being exactly who I really am (who God created me to be and who I am as a new creation in Him) and I will be a loving person because the Holy Spirit is love.

I know plenty of Christians (myself included) who have spent their lives STRIVING to become more Godly. It's fake. Most people will see through that anyway. And, that's probably why the Church at large doesn't have a reputation for being genuine, compassionate, loving, etc. It's because we are trying too hard. We're believing a lie that we aren't good enough as we are, we must try harder. We must act loving when we don't feel love. We must be giving when we don't really want to be generous. We must do do do do do. We must teach people how to behave better. It isn't about behavior. It's about our hearts. Jesus tried to explain that! God cares about our hearts. And when our hearts recognize that, we are a new creation. We are now FREE to be who we really are, THEN we become genuine. Our actions are based out of a place of true connection with God, not a desire to "do the right thing".

Well, that's been revolutionary for me. I now have the freedom to forgive those who've wronged me. I have the freedom to truly love my kids like crazy and tell them 100 different ways. I have freedom to be joyful. I have freedom to be kind. I have freedom to let others be where they are with no need to judge. When I give myself the freedom to be who God has made me to be, I unconsciously give that freedom to those around me. Now, I still have bad habits going back to the "old me" behaviors, but I don't have to try to be better. I just have to remind myself who I really am.

What do you think of this? Am I crazy? Did my fever go to my head? :) Share your thoughts!!! All you lurkers out there, speak up! :)

Enjoy your freedom! Love yourself as you are so loved...but be careful...it starts to ooze! :)

Trepidation

I'm a little bit gun shy on this blogging thing. I was starting to put my heart out there with all the spiritual stuff, but it seems that may not be a good idea. A friend who commented on my last few posts received a hurtful and confrontational comment on her own blog from someone who read her comments here. That makes me sad. So, I'm taking a break. Rethinking what should really be private information and what should be open for anyone to read and criticize. I've never been very good at that. Learning to have discernment apparently!

I'm resting. I'm really experiencing a newfound freedom in my spiritual life. I'm loving people. I'm loving myself. Things are really good. I'm just not really posting about it. I'll post more again. Probably more stuff at my Nourish::Body site. I'm eating yummy food and learning new things so I'll try to take the time to do my menus and recipes on there soon!

I've lost something

Along the vein of spirituality, I'd like to report that I've misplaced my joy. I know I had it at some point. In fact, most of my life I've been bubbly and silly and, dare I say, funny???? I know it's in me somewhere. I can't remember where I lost it. Was it when I had kids and I've just been slightly postpartum ever since? Was it when we got married and life seemed to official and serious to be so silly? Was it when we experienced great loss a couple years ago? Does it have anything to do with my spiritual struggles? Is it just because I'm so tired I can't think straight most days?
I was thinking about the fruits of the Spirit and how I can only get to the second one before I have to stop and say, "hmmm...nope, not so much."
Love, yes...I have lots of that. Maybe not for the right people though, so even that one is an ALMOST...at best.
But JOY....that's the one I miss the most. Cheerfulness. Light-heartedness.
Well, ok, I know I still do have SOME joy! :) But, I'm wanting more. This phase has been hard in many ways, not the least of which is that I'm taking everything so dang seriously. It's time to kick back a little and try to find that place where quiet contemplation meets crazy, silly me.

Working it out

If you haven't read the discussion that's ensued since my last post on my spiritual journey, take a look...it's been so good. I want to expand a little, but I don't have much time. To take it a step farther, what I do believe about our world, and Letters From a Skeptic, by Greg Boyd explains this so well, is that Satan has temporary control over the world. We see abuse and darkness and despair and hunger and sickness because of evil. Yes. That makes sense to me. What doesn't make sense is why God would allow Satan to have that control. What could possibly be worth millions of children's lives full of pain and suffering? Couldn't a God who has supreme control STILL be glorified without all the darkness? Why is it necessary? It seems cruel, unloving and unkind. PLEASE know that I am asking with a heart that is literally physically aching to understand. I have respect for God. I just don't "feel" his love when I see video's like this.

I have friends who are experiencing God in such different ways. Some are hearing Him speak to them and feel they can know for sure He's talking to them through lots of unconventional ways.

I have some friends who don't even think about God on a daily basis and would absolutely say they are Christians.

I have some friends who have found God to be close to them while in nature or in music...more like a supernatural "feeling".

I have some friends who are Christians who believe that in order to be close with God or to know His voice, you must be serving the "least of these".

I have still other friends who believe that any work done with the least of these would be pointless and empty if the person serving isn't totally right with God.

And perhaps the most authentic way I am experiencing God is through the struggle. Through life...through the pain and the "working it out". When I truly don't care what other people think of me or my relationship with God, I can find peace in knowing that it's ok to question. It's ok to struggle. It's ok to want more of God than what I have. It's ok to not agree with my friends about how we experience Him. I'm on a journey. I desire to KNOW, really KNOW God. I want to hear His voice, and be filled up with his love. I want my faith to be authentic, though. So, I have to be honest.

I was talking to a friend about how I have a hard time when people say, "God told me .....fill in the blank." I won't go into why right now, besides the fact that I've been hurt by those words more than once (by people who really did think they were hearing from God), and I also think it can just sound really arrogant. Because, how, if we are really honest, is that supposed to make the listener feel? That the person speaking is closer to God, better than me who doesn't hear that clearly from him? But, anyway, she said something that totally struck me. She instead says, "I felt closer to the heart of God when I had this thought...fill in the blank."

I feel that I am closer to the heart of God when I REALLY love my kids...you know? REALLY love them. I feel that I am closer to the heart of God when I watch a video like the one above and I am sobbing gut wrenching sobs, prostrate on my floor, crying out in anguish at the pain and suffering in this world. I feel that I am close to the heart of God when I pray with a pure heart for someone that has wounded me. I feel that I am close to the heart of God when I serve the "unlovely"---which for me is most often my kids.

When do you feel closer to the heart of God? How do you experience His presence? I really am interested and curious. I honestly have no judgment of people who experience it differently than I do.