Heavy Heart

I know I hardly ever post and so probably no one even reads this blog anymore, but for some reason I just can't bring myself to do it frequently. I think it's a combination of exhaustion and intimidation. I'm really shooting for fabulous here and it's not working out.

But, tonight I have a reason to write and I don't really care if it's good. My Grandpa Nat, the only grandpa I have ever known, has passed away. I just want to write out some of my memories and thoughts I have of him.

Grandpa was a big man. Not just in stature, which he was, but also in spirit. Grandpa had a way of commanding the attention of everyone in a room. As kids we'd beg him to share over and over the same stories we loved to hear...about when he met my grandma when he was working in the candy shop his family owned. He has told the story a few different ways, all very compelling. But, my favorite way was that when my great-grandma Fannie brought 15 year old Shirley in to for an ice cream shake Grandpa was so mesmerized by her beauty that while he was making her shake he got distracted and the ice cream spilled to the floor.

He told stories of their early romance. Their first date. Dinner (which Grandma wouldn't allow Grandpa to pay for because she didn't want to "owe" him anything later), and a concert. He told how they rode the subway home and waiting for them outside the stop in Brooklyn, NY was Grandma Fannie, in her robe and slippers, worried sick.

Grandpa's babysitting business. Grandma was the vice president. They especially loved to go babysitting together and remembered fondly the time when all the children were tucked into bed. :)

He also told stories about his childhood. Growing up during the depression, knowing first-hand what it felt like to live paycheck to paycheck and then to suddenly lose that paycheck. Watching his parents struggle, worrying about the next meal, sharing their home with many relatives in order to survive.

He told stories about how he graduated high school very young, joined the army, got married, became a father. About going to college and graduate school while working full time and supporting a small family. About moving to a house on long island and raising his family. His greatest pride and accomplishment.

Grandpa was a storyteller. And, about 6 years ago this very month I took a trip by myself to stay with Grandpa and Grandma to record their stories. I just listened to them again recently. I can still hear his voice. I can see his facial expressions while he speaks. I am so sad I won't ever hear those stories from his lips again.

I was able to visit last summer, when he was just recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I sat with him and talked one morning on their back porch. I asked him what he was most proud of in his life. He answered this: Family. Nothing, nothing, nothing was more important to him than his family. He spoke of each of his children with such admiration and pride. And, with all our differences and disagreements, Grandpa Nat loved his family fiercely and would do anything for any one of us. He was married to my beautiful Grandma Shirley for over 65 years. He still spoke of her as if they'd just fallen in love. She has always been the most beautiful woman he'd ever known.

I am honored to be a part of this beautiful family. I will be honored if in my final days, I too, can say that my greatest pride and accomplishment is my family. Rest in peace, dear Grandpa. I love you so much.